I review five flavors of non-dairy “ice cream” so you don’t have to (also, there was a sale)
Spoiler alert: None of them are mindblowing
Hello and welcome back to Five Things I Ate! This week, it’s all about pretending I don’t miss dairy. If you’re new, check out past posts here, and please follow my Instagram @fivethingsiate.
Caramel apple oat milk frozen dessert from So Delicious
At your local bodega or grocery store freezer section
I have an on-again, off-again relationship with oat milk. It promises a lot, namely, to be creamy and smooth and Swedish, but delivers very rarely. Yet I can’t leave it, because I keep thinking back to that one time in Portland, Oregon I ordered an oat milk cappuccino from the original Stumptown and it was everything I ever wanted it to be. And that keeps me hanging on, yes it does. Anyways, I regret to inform you that the oatmilk in this caramel apple “frozen dessert” doesn’t blow my mind, although it’s alright, I guess. The texture isn’t too bad, as far as freezer section fake ice cream goes — in fact, I’d say it has the best texture of all the “ice creams” this week. There are generous chunks of oatmeal cookie dough, which I’m a fan of. There’s less of the elements caramel and apple (in fact, no discernable apple in my pint). But… the whole thing tastes just a little too oaty and chalky for my taste. I see what So Delicious did there, by choosing an oatmeal flavored ice cream to make it intentional, but I don’t really buy it. I mean, I’ll eat the whole pint anyways; I’m not a savage.
Bananas foster cashewmilk frozen dessert from So Delicious
At your local bodega or grocery store freezer section
I had high hopes for this flavor, because non-dairy Chunky Monkey from Ben & Jerry’s is one of my favorite grocery store non-dairy ice creams. Sadly, this one is not as good as B&J’s version, maybe because it’s 80 calories less a serving, and I can really tell. It’s a banana flavored ice cream base that’s slightly chalky and gritty, with small flecks of chocolate. I can’t really tell what function cashews serve in the base, but if you have an aversion tree nuts, then this isn’t a good bet. It’s not bad if you let it melt to almost room temperature, and, yes, like all the other pints featured on this week’s newsletter, I still ate it all, but I’d choose another brand if you’re craving bananas.
Snickerdoodle cashewmilk frozen dessert from So Delicious
At your local bodega or grocery store freezer section
I’ve reviewed this flavor before, and my stance is the same. Wait, what was it again? I don’t remember, because the search function on Substack sucks, and by that I mean there is no search function, so every so often I have to try to Google myself to remember what I wrote about before. Maybe I didn’t write about it. Anyway, if I gave it a rave review I take it back. Here, have a lukewarm review instead. Again, not sure what function the cashews serve — unlike the oat milk base, you can’t really tell that this “ice cream” is made of one nut or the other, only that it’s definitely, and sadly, not cream. I’m a sucker for any cold sweet thing that’s cinnamon-scented (see: horchata), so this flavor gets brownie points from me for that. The chunks of snickerdoodle cookie dough are the same color as the rest of the “ice cream,” so at first, I thought I got ripped off. But no: There just isn’t too much cookie dough in the pint, and they aren’t that flavorful.
Buono Mochi Ice dessert, green tea flavor at Trader Joe’s
Your neighborhood Trader Joe’s
We now enter the “sparks joy” portion of this week’s newsletter. All the “ice cream” that follows is not only non-dairy, it is adorable, because it is contained inside mochi. Still, looks aren’t everything; the flavor still has to be good. This vegan, coconut-milk based green tea mochi from Trader Joe’s is pretty good. It doesn’t deliver above and beyond, and it’s definitely a freezer dessert that comes in an eight-pack. But the frozen filling is smooth and not gritty; it melts easily without giving me a brain freeze. Sidenote: Mochi ice cream is the perfect thing to stash in your office freezer, if you have one. While it seems a little ridiculous to eat a bowl of ice cream at your desk with a spoon, no one will be the wiser if you nibble on some mochi.
Thai tea mini mochi at Trader Joe’s
Your neighborhood Trader Joe’s
The Trader Joe’s marketing team really targeted me hard for this one, because: Thai tea! Mini! Mochi! Non-dairy! It’s all the things that I should really love, aka, tiny cute Asian things. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I was actually not of the fan of the tiny size: It turns out that there is a limit to how small you can make mochi ice cream and still have it be enjoyable, a cuteness-texture tradeoff, if you will. At this tinier-than-usual size, the mochi melted too fast to eat if you set out a handful on a plate. The flavor, however, was very good: It had a strong tea flavor, which I’m always a fan of.
Stay cool,
Soph