Hello and welcome back to Five Things I Ate! This week, itās all frozen treats for week n of the heatwave. Check out past posts here, and please follow my Instagram @fivethingsiate.Ā Ā
Strawberry sundae cone at Unnamed Non-Name Brand Ice Cream Truck
Outside of Central Park.
It was a beautiful day and after sitting at my laptop all morning and afternoon, I decided to treat myself to Mister Softee and a walk in Central Park. As I walked up to one of the trucks parked near the entrance on 81st street, I noticed that it was 1) a knockoff Mr. Softee and 2) none of the menu options listed prices. I didnāt let it deter meā After all, how much could one vanilla cone with strawberry be? The man, who could clearly see that I was trying to do something nice for myself after a hectic morning, held the dripping soft serve cone like a hostage, looked me square in the eye, and said ā$10.ā I handed him a ten-dollar bill, feeling like heād definitely played me, and walked away. Before I took my first bite, the ice cream had already rapidly melted down the side of the cone, mixing with the strawberry goo, covering my shirt with what looked like fake blood.Ā
Not a true budget option and not Mister Softee or Penguin Ice by a long shot. 1/10.
Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert Chocolate Fudge Oat Bars at Trader Joeās
Iāve seen these in a couple TJās.
I have a soft spot for frozen desserts on a stick. Whoever designed the classic ice pop mold thatās shaped like a grooved rectangle, and tapered on the top, should win some kind of genius prize because I swear it makes everything taste better. That being said, these oat milk fudgesicles (which is exactly what these are, but Trader Joeās can never admit for a variety of what I assume are legal reasons) are slightly wimpy, both in size and flavor. The real issue, for me though, is not necessarily the taste or diminutive stature of these pops, but the fact that theyāre made out of oat milk. As anyone whoās ever made a bowl of oatmeal will know, oats have a very signature slimy texture. That slime is great for things like treating eczema in an oatmeal bath (which I am very fond of), but itās really less great for when youāre smacking your lips on a fudgsicle.
Rating: Tastes okay, but that slime tho. 5/10.
Oat non-dairy frozen dessert sandwiches at Trader Joeās
Iāve seen these in a couple TJās.
In contrast to the Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert Chocolate Fudge Oat Bars, these little ice cream sandwiches, which are also made from an oat base, have no hint of slime whatsoever. They come wrapped in paper and deliver a high dose of nostalgia, with soft, lightly chocolate-y wafers that seem to stick to the fingers a little less than the original. The āice creamā filling has a nice vanilla flavor and is a bit both sweet and icy, rather than creamy, but thatās not necessarily a bad thing on hot days.
Rating: Cute and sweet, 7/10
Raspberry, Lemon & Strawberry Fruit Frenzy Bars at Trader Joeās
You know where.
At the risk of getting shit for reviewing yet another Trader Joeās item, here we go: I really really like these fruit bars! In fact, these are technically tied for first place in my mind, but as a former gymnast I truly believe there is nothing worse than a tie. So, like a politically motivated Olympics judge, I will arbitrarily deduct some points to knock these down into second place. In the summer, I think I enjoy fruit bars even more than ice cream. You know, the kind with at least 24 grams of sugar per bar. Iām not talking about fruit juice frozen with a stick in it. Iām talking about a sweet, tangy, super flavorful bonafide fruit popsicle. And these are it. Each layer has a distinct, delicious flavor ā you can clearly tell when youāre transitioning between raspberry, lemon, and strawberry. The fruit frenzy bars melt slowly, so you can even eat them at your desk if you have nice coworkers who brought some in. <3
Rating: 9/10, but really itās a 10/10.
Vanilla cone at McDonaldās
Wherever the soft serve machine isnāt broken.
Itās kind of unfair to put McDonaldās soft serve in the same running as all these oaty bois from Trader Joeās. For I believe it truly is the GOAT soft serve ice cream. I canāt tell you itās made out of the finest ingredients, or even if the soft serve machine will be working when you try to get a cone. I just know that I personally love how it tastes, more than Mister Softee, more than the fancy soft serve they have at Big Gay Ice Cream, and at the end of the day, this is a food that brings me great joy. It has the ability to brighten up things that are normally a bad time, like waiting for the Amtrak in Union Station in DC, where I used to commute once a week, or going to the chiropractor, as a person who hates being touched.Ā
Rating: Perfect 10 (even though the 10 point system has totally been deprecated for years, but whatever).
Stay cool,
SophĀ
P.S.Ā Ā
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