Five Things I Hate, Part II 😾

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.

Hello and welcome back to Five Things I Ate! This week, we discuss five things I did not like. Check out past posts here, where I am usually not that mad, and please follow my Instagram @fivethingsiate.

Ma jiang mian noodles at The Tang

920 Amsterdam Ave, New York, NY 10025

To be a sick person in America is to live the existence of a muffled scream. You didn’t choose to be sick. You are told that you are lucky to find out about it when you did, and at all. You are terrified of going to the doctor, who, in your most vulnerable moments, will take the opportunity to comment on your weight. You find yourself spending all your free time on hold with insurance companies, fighting for a chance to do that thing you hate the most: to be prodded and poked; weighed and judged; to take tests that your body will fail. (Oh, you thought this newsletter would not be extra spicy?) But here we are. In a fit of muffled rage after Yet Another Canceled Appointment, I decided to drown my feelings in some good ole’ MJM (ma jiang mian). Sesame noodles are my peanut-butter-and-jelly. They are also nearly impossible to fuck up, that invincible mixture of sesame oil, peanut butter, soy sauce, vinegar, and sugar. But I did. So I threw the soggy noodles in the trash and decided to drop $20 on a child’s dish. At this point I regret to inform you this story does not have a happy ending; proceed to the next entry if you wish. The MJM at the Tang is not very good. It is very cold and very chewy (I will give the noodles that) but the ma jiang is far too sweet and not sharp enough, and there’s barely any chili oil. I poured a gallon of black vinegar on the noodles and downed them all anyway; where they sat in my stomach, cold and heavy and dense, a physical reminder of my disappointment.

Grape pedialyte powder at CVS

You know the one.

One of the hardest things about being an adult is that you have to take care of yourself, forever. I am not going to lie, that shit is relentless. It’s like taking care of a baby that never grows up, except you are an adult that did grow up, so in addition to sleeping and eating and skin contact your Grown Baby Self has all sorts of esoteric needs like learning new statistical models every few months so you feel you didn’t waste your graduate degree. The good news is your grown adult self still has baby self needs like eating and being soothed, which is where literal baby beverage Pedialyte comes into play. Listen. I did not promise you that the foods on today’s newsletter would be culinarily advanced. I do not treat Pedialyte like a food. I think of it as a literal weapon I bring with me into battle, whether it’s for the flu, post-vaccine nausea, post-MRI vomiting, or post-surgical rest. Somehow I always end up buying the grape flavor sticks because it’s cheaper, even though I know the artificial grape makes me gag, which is a bad quality to have in a post-vom beverage.

Blueberry yogurt muffins at Taste of Home

Recipe here.

I don’t know why, but sometimes I find the smell of yogurt in baked goods kind of disgusting. I know this is a really strong statement coming from someone who has said that a yogurt loaf was one of her favorite recipes, but you know what? This is not the time for a nuanced analysis of my contradictions as a human. This is Five Things I Hate. And I am sorry to say, the smell of yogurt in these baked muffins made me gag. It just smells kind of… moist. Am I hypocritical? Hormonal? The universe may never know. I will say that this recipe was quick and easy to mix up and bakes up perfectly fluffy and has 50 five-star reviews, so don’t take my word for it. No really, don’t. It’s probably a lovely muffin.

Strawberry shortcake at Martha’s Country Bakery

263 Bedford Ave, Brooklyn, NY 11211

Martha, you are not a Country Bakery. Martha, you are a poorly disguised nightclub in Williamsburg that uses the wholesome guise of a bakeshop to cover your true motives. I am not fooled by your beautiful glass cases of oversized cake slices, and neon-frosted cupcakes. I know that what you really are trying to get me to do is wait in a long line while listening to pulsating middle eastern club music, and I am too old and too wise to ever go to a club in the Meatpacking district again. Unfortunately I am a fool for cake, so I did, in fact, find myself accidentally going sober clubbing in Brooklyn whilst in the middle of a global pandemic. I am sorry to say that this cake was not very good. I should have remembered that non-ABC strawberry shortcake is mostly a disappointment; too tough, too dry, too sweet. But you know what, Martha? I know this is Five Things I Hate, but I really can’t hate you. In fact, I kind of like you. Like an extrovert friend, you dragged me out in the presence of people on a Saturday night, and for that, I salute you. Plus, your cake is pretty. I will visit you again.

Grapefruit and fresh ginger mocktail at home

Cleanse yourself of your hatred.

When I sat down to write this week’s newsletter, I was sure I had so much more than five things to hate. But then I took a nap and made myself a really gingery drink, and now I’m not so mad anymore. The curse of practicing gratitude and self-care is that it works, which I hate. I even grated the fresh ginger by hand and squeezed out the juice, which is mindfulness at its best. You can make this for yourself, too: Just grate ½ inch of ginger and squeeze the fresh juice out into the bottom of a highball glass filled with ice. Add half a cup of freshly squeezed grapefruit juice (store bought is fine), and top off with lemon or lime seltzer, and a dash of bitters. Enjoy, even if you don’t want to admit it.

XOXO,

Soph

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