Five things I hate 😾

Hello and welcome back to a very special edition of Five Things I Ate! This week, I am angry. Check out past posts here, and please follow my Instagram @fivethingsiate.

Editor’s note: Five Things I Ate is on informal recess until the week after November 4th, or whenever this godforsaken election ends, due to the writer being in a state of constant stress and deadline. During this time, I may continue to send you newsletters, but I cannot guarantee that any of the contents will be palatable. Read at your own risk.

The “fox eyes” makeup trend 

As seen on Tik Tok.

Look, I’m nearing 30 which makes me officially an Old so I didn’t find out about this until I read about it in Teen Vogue, but I deeply  hate the “fox eyes makeup” trend. These makeup videos often feature non-Asian celebrities or TickTokers using eyeshadow to emulate the oft-hated but now-apparently-trendy “almond shaped eye,” which is by the way, a phrase in novels that can go straight to hell. If I can spend several thousand dollars on therapy a year talking about my childhood trauma being chased around the school yard with kids pulling their eyes back and yelling things at me, you could simply… not do this makeup “trend.”

When plumbers and supers don’t listen to you unless you have a husband, and that they are speaking to him, and not you

True in every interaction involving housing issues.

What if *I* am the husband in the relationship? What if I am my own husband? What if you can be a husband of any gender? What if you simply respect my space and not condescendingly suggest I stop bathing the cat in the sink, which you have decided is the cause of a building-wide leak? Have you ever met a cat? Would a cat let you bathe them in the sink? Never.

Workaholism as a personality

Frequently found in NYC and other American metropolises.

Why is working all the time a choice as a personality? I think it’s so dumb. I first encountered this when I went to engineering school at 18 and I’ve been mad at it ever since. Working all the time doesn’t make you sexy because you’re too busy and unavailable; it just makes you tired and age faster. Also if you want to be unavailable you could just, I don’t know, brush your cat for five hours each day and be flaky? That sounds a lot more fun. Anyways, I really hate this one the most of all because sometimes I see this trait in myself and, like all workaholics, I hate myself.

People who wear masks over their mouth but not their nose

Rampant everywhere, unfortunately.

What is the point of this? Are you trying to air your blackheads out? Why go through all the effort of muzzling only half of your lower face? I sort of actually have less rage for people who take their masks off entirely (like if they’re drinking a coffee on the go), because the complete de-masking is always implied to be temporary, whereas the nose-breathers have yet to ever adjust their masks under my eyes.

People who do not respect my personal space in the subway

Underground.

This year and this pandemic has been for the most part, really really horrible for most people and just a bucket of poop for myself in particular BUT I did get to skip out on daily subway commuting, which is a small win. So when I started to slowly take the subway again for infrequent errands this month, I’d forgotten how horrible it is for most femme folks. What I mean is that my body is in constant flight-or-fight mode because I’m stuck in a metal box without escape and sometimes… dudes just like… harass you?? Or like someone is shouting really scary and loud and you just have to sit in your seat and re-learn how to look dead in the eyes so as to not attract attention. And then I am reminded once again that in life I often just feel like tired, anxiety-ridden prey.

YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND,

Soph